The Needs of Children

Christopher lives with his mother and grandmother in an inner city high rise. His mother works twelve-hour shifts to provide for the needs of her family, leaving little time or energy to spend with her new son. But she reads to him every night at bedtime, an evening ritual both have come to cherish. Chris’s grandmother is an active member of her church, singing in the choir and working at the soup kitchen three days a week. She takes Chris with her to these events where he has an opportunity to interact with other children and adults. For the first five years of his life, Chris has a loving grandmother and mother who make sure he has his most important needs met.

Sean lives with his parents and a nanny in one of the more affluent suburbs. Actually, there is a succession of nannies during Sean’s first five years. His successful and upwardly mobile father has moved the family three times since Sean was born. Busy with the social obligations of a corporate wife, Sean’s mother is rarely available for bedtime. For the first five years of his life, Sean also has loving parents who make sure his needs are met. Sean has every toy, game, and educational gadget a child could want. He seems to have every advantage. Or does he?

Research in early childhood development is at last validating what so many early childhood professionals have always known—There is nothing more important in the early years of a child’s development than strong, solid, consistent nurturing that helps young children form attachments. These bonds become the building blocks of a healthy social and emotional sense of self. Nothing is more riveting than the stark realizations we have seen on the nightly news of children growing up in warehouses called orphanages in eastern European counties. In these settings, without social and intellectual stimulation by nurturing, caring adults, children are developing serious emotional, intellectual, and physical difficulties that take years and extensive efforts to overcome. And we, as a society, have become witnesses to a reverse research project of the most significant magnitude.

Over the last decades, we have been bombarded with one trend after another promising to “build better babies”. As parents, we’ve wanted to give our children every advantage to help them succeed in their adult lives and we’ve done it all, from flash cards for infants to musical stimulation to who knows what. While each of these “new ways” may have some grain of merit, we cannot escape the basic truths of early childhood development that have been proven time and time again. What infants and toddlers need, above all else, is the time and attention from consistent, caring adults.

In their new book, Dr. T. Berry Brazelton and Dr. Stanley Greenspan have examined the many factors that come into play in developing mentally, physically and emotionally healthy babies that grow into secure adolescents that grow into strong, productive adults. Entitled “The Irreducible Needs of Children: What Every Child Must Have to Grow, Learn, and Flourish”, Drs. Brazelton and Greenspan have taken the multitude of factors and brought them down to the most basic seven.

The first need is that of ongoing, nurturing relationships. While it’s hard to prioritize these needs, this may be the one most crucial. Without these nurturing relationships, children fail to develop the emotional bonds and trusts that form healthy relationships later in life. Time spent with caring adults, caregivers and relatives as well as parents, help young children learn to trust those around them and develop a healthy sense of interdependence later in life. When these relationships are interrupted or halted, young children can develop disorders of reasoning, motivation, and attachment. Dr. Brazelton, often called "America’s Pediatrician” feels these ongoing relationships should be over a period of years, not weeks or months and that infants and toddlers need this nurturing during most of their waking hours.

The second need, for physical protection, safety and regulation, seems like a given. Of course we want our children to be safe and protected, but we often fall short in recognizing those things that threaten this protection and safety. Into this category falls the need for prenatal care for expectant mothers as well as nutrition and medical care for young children. Indiana can be proud that we were one of only ten of the fifty states that adequately implemented the Children’s Health Insurance Program for uninsured children.

Beyond health, there is still more to see. We, as parents in particular, and citizens as a whole need to recognize the importance of reducing the violence that many young children are forced to grow up in, as well as the violence we allow children to witness through the media. In a recent study commissioned by Zero to Three, the National Center for Infants, Toddlers and their Families, researchers discovered that 26% of all adults believe that very young children will not be affected by witnessing violence. Yet research tells us the complete opposite, letting us know that witnessing of violence, at any age, can have long lasting and detrimental affects

Experiences tailored to the unique and individual differences of each child becomes the third “irreducible need”. Bombarded with infomercials and internet banner ads that give us a sense that there is a quick fix for every difficulty in life or that one size really does fit all, we all too often reach for the newest fad that someone tells us will make the difference for our children. But, we forget that our children are individuals, even at the earliest stages of their life, with unique needs. Our families are unique as well. Recognizing the temperament of an individual baby and nurturing to that temperament can do much to help prevent learning and behavioral problems later in life and help children develop to their fullest potential. Parenting “by the book” is no longer the best course to take. Instead, parents need to trust their instincts and recognize that each child is different and has unique needs. In the Zero to Three study, it was found that 57% of all parents and 64% of all grandparents believe that a three month old baby can be spoiled by giving them too much attention. This is contrary to common knowledge in child development.

The fourth identified need of young children is giving them experiences that are age and developmentally appropriate. In that attempt to “build better babies” we as parents have been inclined to reach for what we felt were the tools to help us help our children. We find the best computers, classes, and groups and we sign even our youngest children up. But we’re forgetting the importance of just “hanging out” with our children, allowing them and us to build the bonds that develop into a relaxed and comfortable trust. Reading a story or singing a song with a young child presents them with the appropriate stimulation to develop strong language skills. It doesn’t require electrical outlets or surge suppressors or 60 MB of RAM to help children develop strong skills. It does, however give us quality time with our children, interacting on a personal level, allowing us the chance to observe and watch our children and identify what is developmentally appropriate for them. All children, even young children, need time to interact with peers in unscheduled time. It is during this time that children learn to let their imaginations soar and learn to develop the social rules they will use as adults. Unscheduled time is not the same as unstructured time, however, and parents must find the delicate balance between giving their children free rein and giving their children opportunities to grow. But it should all happen in the timeframe of the child’s development, without trying to hurry our children from one developmental stage to the next. Just as we wouldn’t rush the pouring of the foundation for a new house, we must not rush the building of the foundation for our children.

Need number five, limit-setting, structure and expectations becomes more and more important as we see the results of the lack of these things when we turn on the news and pick up the newspaper. Children need structure and discipline. They need the kind of structure and discipline that allows them to learn the internal limit-setting that makes strong, responsible adults and teaches them to be peaceful problem solvers. To do this, they need adults who empathize as well as setting limits and give reasonable reasons for the limits that are set. Children need to know what the expectations are that adults hold for them and they need to feel safe that those expectations are realistic. When young children learn discipline within a nurturing, caring child-adult relationship, they are naturally disappointed in having “let down” the adult in their lives. Children develop good behaviors in an effort to please those they love. If a child has not gotten the positive feelings of pleasing a close adult, and never learned the sense of disappointment in having let the parent or caregiver down, they lose all motivation, from the inside, to alter their inappropriate behavior.

Communities and cultures that support all the other needs of young children come together to create the sixth need. In order to feel whole and integrated, children need to grow up in stable communities which support all of a community’s participants. These include families, peer groups, school-based and faith-based initiatives. Communities should also provide exposure to and understanding of other cultures, while valuing their own and teaching children about both.

Any discussion of the fundamental needs of children would be pointless without taking a close look at the final irreducible need of children. Clearly this becomes our commitment to protect the future of our children. The “our” in that phrase broadens from the perspective of us only as parents, to members of our families, members of our communities, citizens of this country and the world. We must all ask ourselves, “What is our commitment?”

In our mobile, fast-paced lives, we lose sight of the fact that we are all connected within our society. The issues of early childhood do not belong only to the young parents in our country. These issues belong to all of us. Whether we are considering that young children are our children, our grandchildren, our nieces and nephews, the children of our friends or whether we broaden the picture and realize that the young children of today are the doctors, lawyers, police officers, service providers and decision makers of tomorrow. When we look at all of this through the wide lens, we are more aware than ever that the commitment we can give to the issues of young children today will protect not only their future, but also our own.

Now, if you’ve read all this, you may be wondering, “What can I do? I’m only one parent…I’m only one person….I don’t even have children?” The answers to all those questions, and the ones you asked and I didn’t note, are very simple. Enjoy your children. Engage your children. Give time and you undivided attention to your children. Value just “hanging out”, listening, observing, learning from your children. Give your time and resources to programs that serve children and families. Mentor a child. Read to children. Talk to children and really listen to what they have to say. Pay attention to legislation and policies that affect children. Let your voice be heard with your time, your vote, and your actions.

Pay attention to children. It’s all they really need.

“The Needs of Children” appeared as a two-part series in the Terre Haute Tribune Star, April 2001.